Tuesday, October 26, 2010

A good day

Today is a good day so far.


Because today is the first day in several years that I looked in a mirror - the giant mirror in the free weight area at the gym - and saw me...Well, a hint of the me that I used to look like before I gained all of the weight.

Granted, today's me is still a heavy version of me. But this version has a waist again. There's a face that isn't completely round, but instead has more than a hint of cheekbones and just a hint of hollows beneath those cheekbones.

This me has a womanly shape again.

This new me has thighs that are curvy, getting firm and starting show some muscle...not thighs that look like lumpy, saggy, jiggly sacks of potatoes. And a middle that - while certainly not flat - is looking less and less like I'm 7 months pregnant.

This version of me even has a hint of collar bones.

Collar bones. Holy crapballs. Can't remember when I last saw those.

The whole package is starting to look like something I recognize. Something that I took for granted back when I was at a normal BMI because back then I always thought that I was fat.

And then I actually got fat. Really fat.

For a long time I was in denial about being fat. I ignored my body as much as possible. Made excuses. Didn't look in mirrors. When my clothes got too tight, I just bought new ones.

Now that I'm on the way back down to a normal BMI (and I WILL get there) - I'm realizing what I should have known all along -  that back when I just thought I was fat, I was actually thin and pretty and just didn't know it.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not satisfied with this current version of me - this incarnation that's still a few sticks of butter away from being overweight instead of obese and more than a few sticks of butter away from being normal. But I like this version a whole lot better than the one who didn't care about herself and let herself get obese.

So, today is a good day.

1 comment:

  1. Jenn, You made my day with this observation, "back when I just thought I was fat, I was actually thin and pretty and just didn't know it." You have always been beautiful. Now that you've caught sight of that I hope you'll not forget it. xoGG