A good day followed by...

a not so great week.

On Tuesday I wrote about it being a good day. And it was a good day.

A really good day.

But then there arrived Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - three days when work really ramped up to warp speed 10, husband was out of town, and my energy level/motivation for cooking, exercising and generally doing things to take care of myself kind of plummeted to virtually nothing.

Now, compared to the days when I was really indulging in some horrifically irresponsible eating choices that involved french fries, ice cream, candy bars, sour cream and all things fried, what I actually consumed on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday would be considered downright healthy.

What was not so great is that I ended up at restaurants two of the three nights and twice for lunch. Made healthy choices given what was on the menus (things like grilled salmon with grilled asparagus and steamed broccoli or tofu with asparagus and ginger), but the reality is that restaurant food is still restaurant food.

Add in one more restaurant meal today when I picked up husband from the airport (again, still made a good choice) and I'm not exactly feeling especially virtuous.

Couple my restaurant outings with a distinct lack of exercise on these same three days and I'm guessing that weigh-in on Monday is not going to be pretty.

However... everyday is a do-over...a new opportunity to make healthy choices.

And so late this afternoon I hauled my keester over to the gym for 25 minutes of lower body weight lifting and 40 minutes of biking.

Tomorrow is the Spooky 5K Run that we signed up for through the Fall Fitness Challenge.

Hopefully it will be another good day.

A good day

Today is a good day so far.

Why?

Because today is the first day in several years that I looked in a mirror - the giant mirror in the free weight area at the gym - and saw me...Well, a hint of the me that I used to look like before I gained all of the weight.

Granted, today's me is still a heavy version of me. But this version has a waist again. There's a face that isn't completely round, but instead has more than a hint of cheekbones and just a hint of hollows beneath those cheekbones.

This me has a womanly shape again.

This new me has thighs that are curvy, getting firm and starting show some muscle...not thighs that look like lumpy, saggy, jiggly sacks of potatoes. And a middle that - while certainly not flat - is looking less and less like I'm 7 months pregnant.

This version of me even has a hint of collar bones.

Collar bones. Holy crapballs. Can't remember when I last saw those.

The whole package is starting to look like something I recognize. Something that I took for granted back when I was at a normal BMI because back then I always thought that I was fat.

And then I actually got fat. Really fat.

For a long time I was in denial about being fat. I ignored my body as much as possible. Made excuses. Didn't look in mirrors. When my clothes got too tight, I just bought new ones.

Now that I'm on the way back down to a normal BMI (and I WILL get there) - I'm realizing what I should have known all along -  that back when I just thought I was fat, I was actually thin and pretty and just didn't know it.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not satisfied with this current version of me - this incarnation that's still a few sticks of butter away from being overweight instead of obese and more than a few sticks of butter away from being normal. But I like this version a whole lot better than the one who didn't care about herself and let herself get obese.

So, today is a good day.

Weigh-in day

If one does not follow one's eating plan to the letter...one does not lose weight.

No weight loss this week.

I knew it was coming, but even when it's expected...it still kinda sucks.

Sigh.

However, on the flip side...today's weigh-in did motivate me to hit the gym tonight after work. And, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that I loathe going to the gym after a long day at work.

And today was one of those long days at work.

But I got myself to the gym to do some lower body weight lifting and lots of different kinds of crunches.

Three good things happen at the gym this evening. No, wait - actually four good things:

1. I happen upon my husband at the gym during his personal training session and am pleased to see that he looks like he's having a good time with trainer D.
2. A man who is not my husband gives me an up-and-down-seriously-checking-me-out kind of look and then gives me a nice smile. It's been a really, really long time since a man who is not my husband has looked at me in that way.
3. My husband comes over to the free weight area to chat for a minute before he runs off to do errands. I'm standing on a step doing calf raises. Chris says to me, "You look really sexy when you exercise." What a lovely husband I have. I haven't felt at all sexy in a really, really long time. 
4. I lay down on a mat to do my crunches. Between sets I rest my hand on Bernice and - miraculously! - when I'm laying down she's actually almost flat! Let me lose another 80 sticks of butter and its, "Bye bye, Bernice!!!"

So, even though no sticks of butter melted away this past week, it's still all good.

Downs and ups

Down...Not so much success this week following my eating plan.

Hmm.

Some long work days and a few days of just feeling ravenous no matter what I ate sent me in some eating directions that were - while not terrible - definitely not on plan and probably filled with more calories than really necessary.

Tomorrow's weigh-in will likely be...disappointing, but not unexpected.

However...

There are ups this past week as well.

Friday night Team Torture. I do not run treadmill intervals. As much as I want to participate in all aspects of the Fall Fitness Challenge, I have come to the conclusion that for now...running is just not for me. Perhaps in another 20 or 30 pounds I'll be able to run a little bit, but for now me trying to run leads to nothing but frustration and upset.

And I just don't need frustration and upset at this stage of the game.

What I need is to feel like I'm making progress and moving forward.

So, on Friday I join the group of people who also opt out of treadmill work and instead get on the elliptical trainers for elliptical intervals.

My elliptical machine is set for a 10% incline at level 1. I leave it there. Trainer W leads the intervals. 2 minutes low-intensity and 2 minutes high-intensity intervals...for 24 minutes. Trainer D hops on the treadmill next to me to do the intervals with me. When it comes time to bump it up for the high interval, I bump it up to level 3.

"C'mon, let's put that on 5," Trainer D says peering over at my machine.

So, to level 5 we go.

Sure enough within seconds I am breathing very, very hard. Not quite sucking wind, but pretty damn close. In through the nose. Out through the mouth.

My breathing sounds really loud to me.

The first high-intensity two minute interval feels like an eternity. Rather than watch the time elapse on the machine's display panel, I just close my eyes and try to keep breathing. My heart is racing. Sweat is already pouring down my forehead and dripping off of my nose. So very attractive.

When I arrive at home close to 9 p.m., Chris asks me, "So, how'd you do?"

"30 minutes on the elliptical. D made me go to level 5 for the high-intensity intervals. I kind of wanted to die, but I did it."

"You're really sweaty," he says.

"Yeah."

"So, was D helpful while you were doing the intervals?"

"I don't know. She was talking to me the whole time. I'm sure she was saying all kinds of encouraging really things, but I have no idea what they were. I just kept my eyes closed and was pretty focused on breathing, not passing out and not falling off of the elliptical trainer!"

Chris laughs.

But, here's the thing, I did it. I made it through all of the intervals. Didn't feel very good toward the end. Getting my breath was hard, but I didn't give up.

Surprisingly, even though I'm bone tired on Friday when I get home and even more tired when I wake up on Saturday morning, I haul myself to the gym for Low-n-Loaded - thinking that if I make it through even half of the class it will be a friggin' miracle. But once we get started it actually goes pretty well. I still find myself needing to march in place during a few of the intervals, but I manage to do probably 90% of everything she has us doing.

Improvement!

So, some downs and ups this past week. We'll see about this coming week. My work schedule is crazed with numerous client presentations. Eating could be an issue, but I'm going to try my very hardest to stay on plan.

Wish me luck.

Full...urgh

OK, so I have to confess big time...I ate too much tonight.

We went to a gathering at my mother-in-law's and there was a lot of good food. A lot of food not on my eating plan. And thankfully, quite a lot of healthy good food, too.

I didn't really even eat anything "bad" this evening. Avoided all of the yummy looking desserts, the amazing breads from Seven Stars Bakery, the multigrain chips. Nope, didn't eat any of that.

But what did I do instead?...I ate way too much of the good stuff.  At first, I just razed a little bit on veggies, dip and rice crackers. Then had a big plate of salad so I wouldn't eat too much of the entree. Then ate too much of the entree anyway!

Oops.

In terms of the way I used to eat, what I ate this evening would seem like very little. But since I've started eating responsibly... what I ate tonight seemed like a lot of food and tonight I did not make very responsible choices. I sat right next to the food while socializing. I should have just walked away.

But I didn't.

Did I need a "little more" of the main course? No, of course not! But I ate it anyway.

And now I am paying the price of overindulgence.

I'm feeling horribly uncomfortable (think it might be time to unbutton these jeans) and actually a little bit sick to my stomach.

Somehow I have the feeling that Monday weigh-in is going to be baaaaad.

Too full...urgh.

Mixed bag

Today's post is going to be a weird mixed bag of stuff...because my thoughts are kind of a jumble. 

Reflections on missing my BMI-in-the-20s goal this past week. 

As you may have guessed from my last post, I was...ummmm...just a teeny tiny bit upset. (Actually, I think "distraught" might be the word that best describes my feelings of this past Monday.)

Really - I know that it's kind of stupid to have let myself get so worked up about missing the goal by so little, but... what can I say? I thought that after all of my hard work the week before that I had the goal in the bag and when it didn't happen...

Catastrophe! Disaster! How could I have missed it??? Gnashing of teeth!

Depression...

In any case, I've moved on. I'm over it. Hoping fervently that I'll make my BMI-in-the-20s at the next weigh-in. However, if it doesn't happen at the next weigh-in then I am not going to allow myself to get all worked up about it. It'll happen when it happens. I'll just keep eating right, getting myself to the gym and doing what I'm supposed to do.

Reflections on Boot Camp

So, last Sunday...Boot Camp Team Challenge!

Amazingly, I manage a pretty good showing.

The Boot Camp is held outside at one of our beautiful state parks by the water. The wind is kind of crazy and it's pretty darn chilly, but otherwise it's sunny and lovely. We start with running and walking. There are 4 groups: fast run, medium run, slow run and walk.

Guess which one I choose?

I'll reflect on my walk in the next section.

After the walk/run, we hit the boot camp stations in groups of three.  At each station we engage in 4 intervals of each exercise. Each interval lasts for 25 seconds. The exercises: step up, plank, side plank, chest presses, overhead lifts, walking squats, walking lunges, standing rows, crunches, and a few others.

The only exercises that completely do me in are the planks. Since I have virtually no core strength (d@#$ you, Bernice!), I manage one regular plank for a grand total of like 10 seconds (it may be more like it's 8 seconds...I'm not really counting...Bernice is too busy saying, "Are you out of your mind??? I can't do this!") before collapsing in a pathetic heap on the mat.

Pitiful.

Bernice and I give up quickly, but do crunches in place of the plank so at least my abs are getting a workout.

Pretty much same story with the side plank. No core strength. And this one is even worse - I manage to stay up for a whopping 5 seconds before falling out of the position.

Absolutely pathetic.

But aside from that I actually complete all of the other exercises. Oh, I'm huffing and puffing as I'm trying to get through each 25 second interval (who knew that 25 seconds could seem like an ETERNITY???), but I get through them. Some better and with more confidence than others. I'm surprised to find myself doing well with the walking squats. And the upper body lifting - not too bad on that front either.

The truth is that I had been very anxious all week about Boot Camp - afraid that I won't be able to do the exercises at all and end up feeling foolish and looking lame. The planks kind of suck and I feel kind of like a major wimp for not being able to do them, but I am so pleased about completing everything else that it kind of takes the sting out of my plank failure.


In between

So, I mentioned above that Boot Camp starts with 20 minutes of running or walking. Since it is well established that I am not much of a runner, I choose to join the walking group led by trainer N.

"We're gonna walk 10 minutes out and 10 minutes back," N announces as she leads us to our starting point, a wide asphalt path that runs along the bay. It's beautiful.

The slow running group has already taken off ahead of us.

As we start our 20 minute walk I realize pretty quickly if I walk at the group's pace that it isn't going to be much of a workout for me. Their pace is pretty relaxed. So, I decide to pick up my pace to one that will get my heart rate up.

I take off on my own.

Short quick strides with my arms at 90 degree angles and pumping hard, I quickly leave the walking group behind. For most of the walk I find myself at the half-way point between the walkers and the slow runners. I'm sweating, my heart is pumping pretty well, I'm not sucking wind, but I'm breathing hard and feeling good.

On the return trip, the slow walkers spread out far behind me. Trainer N catches up with me and we walk together for the last three minutes or so.

"Wow," says N, "you walk REALLY fast."

I do?

Yeah, I guess I do.

It's funny, but over the course of the Fall Fitness Challenge I have complained bitterly about my inability to run. About the fact that every time I start to run I end up sucking wind and I have to stop. Maybe this means that I'll never be a runner. And yet, here I am 6 weeks into this thing and I'm fairly certain that I have become a much faster, stronger and more efficient walker.

So I'm not a runner. Big deal. But I'm not a slow walker either...I guess that I'm something somewhere in between.



Am I OK with that?

Yes. I think I am.

ARGHH!!!

Well, crapballs.

Weigh-in day today.

Weight lost = 136.8 sticks of butter to date (5.6 sticks of butter lost this past week)

BMI = 30.09

I missed a BMI in the 20s by 2.8 sticks of butter!!!

Just 2.8 sticks of butter shy of being considered "overweight" instead of "obese."

D@#$! D@#$! D@#$!

Crapballs.